New Stuff...

Well, things have calmed down. I realized that i did do some things wrong. I thought i was completely right and had every right to be mad. But, i was blinded by jealousy, pretty much. And it turned into anger. But everything's good. At least i hope. And ive been eating, which is good. I also patched things up with Dallas, which im happy about. I did miss him as a friend. We talked on the phone and then he wants to chill saturday at the cancer relay at the middle school. it sounds really fun. so i think i am gonna go. It was weird tho, it seemed as if we picked up where we were b4. but i was just being generic. hes my friend, dont think hes getting any more than that. cause, he was really flirty and stuff. i could tell. but it annoyed me. we havent talked for ever, and the very first time we do hes all about chilling, then bringing up me never kissing, and then bringing up liking me. i was all ugh. so, im just friends. i wanna be there for him. especially since he needs to go to NY. all he hangs out with are bad influences, and i know thats the only reason hes done what he did. so im gonna stick with him. make sure he sticks in school. itll be so much easier once i get my new phone. which btw im ordering this week! lol. ownage. im just determined to send him down the right path. hes a good kid, just is a follower. i can see it. and then my moms been happy since iv havent been in my room 24/7. but its wierd, cause i have lol. i think her being sick is causing illusions lol. but yah. things r going good. i hope they stay this way.

I Think This Is Truly It...

Well, i think its game over. I called julia. and we talked. and i apologized. im not gonna win in this. everyone is against me. why not end it now and just suck up everything than have everyone mad at me. but anyways, i dont think taylor would ever come back. hes always saying this is all his fault cause he screwed up. its mine. this is all my fault. i should have listened to him and give him another chance. but i didnt. and now im regretting it. i regret it so much. and it hurts so bad. but i dont deserve a second chance from him. it just sucks. it all fucking sucks.

I Hate Stupidness...

why am i such a gutless flipflopper? its not fair to me or anyone. i just hate it. cause i accepted something. i miss him. a lot. and it hurts. everything about it hurts. and its just like, i care so much and stuff but i cant give in to it. i cant. i dont see how itll work. and i dont wanna hurt him so much again. but it hurts so much. i think he thinks i just dont care bout him like that any more. but he couldn't be more wrong. i miss him so much. every time he hugs me, its not enough. i dont wanna let go. at all. i just wanna ask him to sit there and hug me, even if it means were not back together. i miss his hugs, his laugh everything. ): </3 but not only that though, but he was my best friend before we dated. even tho we broke up, i still wanted him to be that best friend. but no. he made that hard. so i couldnt talk to him. and now, hes good friends with julia. so he doesnt need me. he wouldnt want me either. im nothing compared to her. truthfully. so it just sucks. i mean, why cant i have just stuck with my decision of it wont work, move on, and deal with it. whats wrong with that? it hurts a LOT less. i never get to talk to him. ever! it bugs me so  much. no calls from him, emails, messages. nothing. we dont even spend every lunch together anymore. ): it just feels like ive lost him completely. and i think that is where i hate how close he is with julia. cause, i mean, i never get to talk to him. at all. and he prob hates me for breaking his heart. and the second i lose someone i cared about so much, she gets to talk to him all the time, and all i hear is how close theyre becoming. it just hurts. not necessarily her or him, but it does. its like a stab. i was talking to kyla last night and she knows just how it feels when it comes to zac. i just hate this whole thing. i hate not having him, and worse losing him to julia. but then, i hate feeling horrible because how can i think things r bad for me when some of my friends r going through WAY worse. i feel pathetic. and i cant say anything about it cause they do have a friendship. i just suck it up  like i always do.