I Finally Hung Out With Taylor...

Well, today was really nice after what yesterday entailed. i completely broke down in the middle of history. it was horrible. and i realized all my grades were slipping because of my depression. and, i guess it just all got to me when mrs. johnston wanted to talk. it was harsh, but she was being nice. she told me how she was observing how my mind works and said i have one of the best history brains in the class so she doesnt understand why i did so bad on the test. so i told her the truth; that i had a lot going on and ive just been so depressed and my mind just wasnt with me. but in the process of telling her this, i started balling my fucking eyes out and ugh. so shes all well you can always talk to me if u need to and i can help you study if u want. and im like ok. so it was harsh, in the sense that i broke down in front of everyone and their all looking at me like wtf. but its over now. the darkest days are behind me. today, i got so sick of being depressed. i hung out with taylor, and i was just so happy. i could swim in his eyes. those crystal blue eyes. i swear. i had to like remind myself to listen to what hes saying. and i actually had to try not to smile. i wanted to just sit there, stare into his beautiful eyes, smile and cry all at the same time. but, it was nice. i love talking to him. like u have no idea. hes my escape to everything. to everything. it was annoying cause we werent alone. but, what ever. i just had to grin and bear it. it bugged me, cause all day i couldnt stop saying how much i wanted to be alone, but what ever. at least i got to see him none the less. but then when i got home, i was just thinking by myself in my room. and im like, i was truly, genuinely happy today. being with him. and not to sound like some stalker or anything, but so when ever i get really depressed i think of talking to him and it goes away. so tonight, i did all my hw and i cleaned my room. i cleaned out my backpack. got rid of all the trash. idk. i guess it was kind of symbolizing me getting rid of all the shitty emotions and thoughts in my head. but either way, it was me turning a new leaf. im sick of being depressed. and even tho i still feel a bit sad, im finding my way out of the hole. im climbing out and i will see the sun again soon.

Its All Whatever...

Well, i havent posted in a while so i know theres a lot to catch up on. Well, for starters i finally gave taylor my song book. I love my songs dont get wrong, but im just yah my songs are kinda corny i guess. So i warned him haha. And it was kinda wierd tho lol. Cause as i was talking to him to give it to him i was just thinkin, wow i think this is the first time weve actually talked in person lol. Of course, he was on his way to see fay so i was just oh. nice. He goes to hang with her everyday. But at least i get to talk to him on aim after school. Oh and then last night, my family got in this huge fight and it was so annoying because amber, my sis, didnt even do anything. and my parents are sitting there, epsecially my dad, saying shes worthless and basically calling her a piece of crap. and im just like fuck you, so i defended her the next morning. My dad has no right to sit there and say she doesnt lover her family when hes the one whos cheated on mom, like threatened to kill her, abused her. hes done every fucking thing there is to do and then hes gonna talk to my sister like who's already self concious as it is? i dont think so.But what ever. Ive just been having this HUGE feeling of loneliness lately. I just, i am happy when im with my friends, but the second i get alone i feel so lonely and ugh. i wanna cry all the time. and i just feel so stressed and ugh. I feel like i hate never having anything happy, and then i realize that i never go for anything to make myself happy because my whole life whenever i found something i love its been taken away from me. so why go for it if i know itll be taken away? i just, im so lonely.

Ugh The Stress Is Too Much...

Well, i guess nothing really horrible has happened. just painful realizations. My mom and dad started arguing really bad, and i cant explain it. i just realized how much well never be happy. how many fake smiles everyone makes every day. i feel so trapped. this isnt a family. ive seen so much in my life already, things that no one should ever have to see. and for life to go on with all this pain and heartache and loneliness, what kind of a life is that? its not one. i just, i dont know. i dont know what i want. i dont know where to go. i wish i did but i dont. i just, i want to be loved. i want to know what it feels like to belong. its so aggravating. everything is aggravating. the way i see it is, of course i have this biological family, but my friends are my real family. theyre the ones that are always there. and then, what hurts me the most, is everyday my mom will break down and start crying out of nowhere and all the time she says how no one cares about her and shes all alone and she hates her life. and it just hurts so much because she has no idea how much i love her. i would kill myself if i didnt have her, i honestly would. i love her so much, and for her to say that, its just like saying i mean nothing. of course i know shes under a lot of stress and shes just venting her emotions and is in a lot of pain emotionally, but still. i cant help how i feel either. i just, im sick of it all. my family will never be happy ever. i feel trapped. trapped in this family, in this home, in this life.