B-Money44...

Remember how I said I was playing conquer? Well it's just not fun anymore. My sister is totally ruining it for me when it was my idea to play it in the first place. It's all because I had no friends on there when I started so i started hanging out with Amber and her friends. But of course amber gets all pissed at me for it. Every single time I log on I have to hear a speech or get into an arguement because im talking to this guy named b-money44, who incidentally is a good friend of ambers. I mean, i feel horrible because i know it's amber's friend but then, I like talking to him. He likes talking to me. He's always asking amber when i'll get on. But it's not like I like him like that. No! He's just a friend, but that doesnt mean i don't like to talk to him. I don't know what to do. I hate that amber's mad at me and its all over some guy we both met online. And amber probably knows him a lot better than I do. I think im just not going to go on conquer for a while so then amber can get close to him again. I mean, today is amber's 16th birthday and instead of me enjoying it with her, she's all pissed at me.

Conquer...

I've been playing conquer again lately. It's this amazingly totally fantastically wonderful game. You can choose from trojans, taoists, archers or warriors. And here soon they're coming out with ninjas. OOOOOH! lol. But yah, i'm a level 53 trojan. I'm pretty good. I've made a few friends. Most of them my sis was already friends with. I feel bad though because amber kept telling me not to talk to her friends but I really needed someone to power level me, so I did. She was totally angry, I think? But then today, she came in my room and was like "I got off of conquer because of you. B-money asked if you were coming on and I was like why and he's like because she's cool. See? I knew this would happen." I feel really bad though. I don't know. I've always thought that maybe amber might be jealous of me. I hope not, because I am so not a person to be jealous of. I have done things people are not proud of, and I don't want amber feeling bad because she isn't like me. I'd rather be like her.

He's Staying...

Well my dad finally moved back in. Well atleast I think he did. I believe he was unpacking earlier and from the conversation we all had I do think so. So far it seems like i'm the only one with a problem about it. When we all talked my dad even said it was me who he was worried about. He's confused why i'm ignoring him. Well what do you expect? Quite frankly, i'm still hurt. I'll never get over what he did and he's wondering why i'm not talking to him? Does he even deserve my attention? I can barely look at him, and i'm not ready to start talking to him like ordinary families do. And everyone's kind of pissed at me because i'm the only one who has an issue with him moving back in. They're all saying well if he doesn't, how can he prove to us he'll change? Well what if I feel he won't, and what if I think he doesn't even deserve the opportunity. I'm not like them. I'm not going to let this one slide. I'm sick of all this.

My Dad...

I'm really worried everyone's letting my dad off too easy. He came over tonight for dinner and acted like nothing ever happened. My sister even was laughing and joking around with him. I barely talk to him. I'm still so hurt, I can't look at him. And he's just going to waltz back in here like no big deal I shitted on all of you. I just don't know. He's not my dad anymore. I feel so uncomfortable around him. I mean, of course there's a part of me that wants to give him a chance and let him try, but how many chances can one human being get? When's the point where you draw the line. Well dad, i'm sorry, but you just drew it for me. I'll always love him, but i'll NEVER forgive him. And that's not about to change.

Cameron...

Yesterday I got to see my cousin cameron. I haven't seen him since forever! So it was nice to finally get to hang out. I've always been closest to cameron and jamie out of all the like 16 cousins so yah. It was funny because amber and I rode all the way home to getour ps2 and guitar hero and once we get back to my grandma's we couldn't even use it! Uncle dwayne switched his tv for a crappy old one just because it has a bigger screen so there was no hook-up for the wires! It was kind of funny. Jamie wasn't there though because she's in Missouri visiting our other cousin Haley. I miss Jamie and Cameron so much. But I have to say Cameron has matured SO much. He's not the little, hilarious hyper cousin I remember. We're all growing up! ='( But I still had a lot of fun. I just haven't seen him in a while.

Huge Blow Out...

Tonight there was this huge fight. It was awful. My dad just won't own up to all the shit he's put us through. He won't. But i'm not going to act like i'm all innocent either. I've just sat there while my mom and sister have taken the heat. I don't know what's wrong but I just can't seem to say anything to him. I can't. I've played it over in my mind millions of times how i'm going to get my point of view of this whole thing across, but I can't. I freeze. I mean, i'm not afraid of him. Not any more. But i just can't seem to get one word out. And of course my sis left tonight to go to a friend's house so i'm stuck here with all the awkwardness. I'm just so dumbfounded any of this is going on. It doesn't need to be. I still feel so trapped and alone but I can't express it anywhere else. I don't see Kyla that often anymore and a phone call with Julia can never be private without someone asking or trying to listen in. I act so fine with this whole thing just to try to be strong for my mom and sister, but deep down i'm crushed. I want to cry all the time and scream my head off but I can't. There's no where to go.

Fourth Of July Day Fishing Trip...

My grandma and grandpa took my mom, amber and me to a day of fishing at this one place for fourth of july. It wasnt what I though but it was ok. The pool was packed! Like seriously so I didnt even think of going swimming, and the water in the river was filled with alligators, so ummm, i dont think so =). But it was still fun all the same. I didnt fish cause I hate fishing. I even hate putting the worm on the hook cause i feel so bad about how much pain im inflicting on it. But ok, something hilarious happened when we first got there. Of course I was wearing a bikini and swimming trunks so as we were walking, apparently this group of like 4 15-16 year old boys were checking me out, like EXTREMELY checking me out. And of course my mom was like what the hell? oh no you dont! But that to god she didn't actually speak her mind out loud lol. But so she comes up to me and is like get over here and stay with me all mad like and im like what. Cause at first i thought she was going to tell me to pull up my shirt. She always is. But when she told me bout the boys I was like sweet! i mean, oh tisk on them! I mean, some of them were attractive and I got to admit, I don't mind someone appreciating my fine physique once in a while! ^_^. It was a nice trip though. Im glad I got to get away from things and just feel so relaxed. Oh! We also went to another place for my grandpa and sis to get better fishing action, so while we were at the Myakka Lake or whatever we ran into killer squirrels. It all started with this one little adorable squirrel. And it was coming up to lucy, so my mom laid down some chex mix for it. But as soon as those chex mix hit the ground, a whole herd of squirrels came running in! Lucy got so crazy she broke her metal chain to chase them! It was hilarious! We also saw a family of wild turkeys, wild boars, and alligators! Oh my god the alligators! One came so close to the bank where my sis and grandpa were fishing and this thing was monstrous. An easy 11-12 footer. It was huge! And it was funny too though because it was so close and then it went under water. So grandpa and amber had no idea where it was and amber's like "I'm outta here" and my grandpa's like "I ain't afraid of no alligator" but slowly you see him sneaking away from the bank. He always knows how to make me and amber laugh =). And then the car ride home, lucy got gas. And not no ordinary gas. Stinky digested hot-dog gas. It was horrible! But I love her all the same ^_^.

Things Are Going So Wrong...

Things are getting worse here. My mom, sister and I are probably going to have to move out of this house and stuff. It's just so much stress, pressure and sadness all at once. I can't take it. My head's going to explode!

My First Session Of Yoga...

I tried yoga for the first time today. It was so relaxing. And it REALLY works your body. I mean, I could keep up, unlike my mom =), but I still have a lot of work to do. I love it! You get great exercise and fitness. But it does hurt when your not really flexible, but you feel so relaxed at the same time. It's amazing. I love it! I'm going to buy me a yoga mat once i get allowance and im doing yoga every day. It's nice too because it makes you forget what's going on and just feel at ease for the moment. Things have kind of settled down. The emotions are still there but no one is showing it physically. My dad's staying with a friend right till we figure things out so it's just my mom, my sister and me. I never though it would actually come to this but it did. But wow, yoga is really great!

It's Over...

Well. I had to face him today. He came over and my parents talked. And then I had to say how I felt and what was bothering me and all. But it was so hard! He never cries but he was today. I've never seen him cry like that. But, I froze. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I'm so angry and confused but then i'm scared. I'm scared that he'll leave and forget about me. Or he'll never come back. I don't know. It's just SO much is happening. And so I didn't say anything. But as Amber and I walked to the room I stopped. And I said, "Why would you throw everything away? You weren't even arguing! It's like you care about what your friends think more than your family!" And that was it. I ran into the room. But finally I had to go out and say goodbye. He hugged Amber and then me. And as he hugged me he said, "I'll always love you. And everything you said was true. I'm sorry. I'll try to be a better dad. I guess it just took a mistake to realize it." And then he left. That's it. I mean, I know i'll see him. But, you know? I can't describe it. I'm so hurt, angry, confused. I'll never forgive him for what he did and I'll never be able to say I trust him, but he still is my dad. I do love him. And it kills me to have even the slightest ounce of pity for him but I do. He lost everything. And I don't think he's going to get it back. But the truth is... I miss him. I miss how things used to be. You can't possibly understand what i'm feeling. I'm so crushed. Like I said before, i'm suffocating. It's all over. I don't know what to feel. I mean, what did he think would happen? He needs to know once and for all how he truly is. This house is so quiet now. Everyone's so sad. I can't even describe my mom. I can't possibly know what she feels right now. And it kills me to see her so miserable and hurt. My family will never be the same. Ever. I just, I feel so angry! I can't even describe it! I'm so confused! You have no idea! My heart is shattered into a million pieces. And that's it. I don't even know what to say anymore. I hope he knows what he did. Cause he'll never be trusted by any one of us again. He needs to earn it back. And there's a very slim chance he will. Quite frankly, I don't want to give it back.