Why Do I Have To Be So Scared...

I really hate myself right now. I can't even explain it. Taylor and I are dating, yay, but not yay. I am so happy. He makes me so happy. But ive been lying to myself and him as well ): I dont know what to do. I do like him, a lot. And im so happy. But, im so scared. The cage isnt gone. Not at all. Today, taylor was talking to julia, not knowing that i was reading. and he told her all this stuff about relationships and im just like holy shit hes srsly like that. I cant live up to his expectations. I dont want to hurt him. At all. I just. I cant tear the wall down. Ive spent my whole life building it up. Idk what to do. Its so confusing. I have so many conflicting conflicts. I want to open up to him. And i want to let him know how i feel. I want to be there. I want him. But he wants me to be all his. I cant do that. I want to. but i cant. what do i do? How do i accept it. Im so scared if i truly get attached hell be taken away. Just like everything else. So when i get scared, i push people away. If i never had them to begin with, how can they be taken away? Id rather be miserable all the time than be extremely happy then have it ripped out of my hands. I dont want to break his heart. Idk what to do. How will he accept me. Will he accept me for the flaws of my heart? Im too scared to tell him the truth. I cant do it! I cant do it to him. Id rather break my heart than break his. I just, im trapped. I want him. I have him. But im like freaking out on the inside. I want to run away. Its too hard for me. But, ugh! What is so wrong with me? Why cant i just accept? why cant i love? ive been through so much. So many things have been taken away from me, i cant lose another thing. Especially him. Ugh. I dont know what to do. I dont know. My heart is breaking. And he doesnt even know </3