My First Session Of Yoga...

I tried yoga for the first time today. It was so relaxing. And it REALLY works your body. I mean, I could keep up, unlike my mom =), but I still have a lot of work to do. I love it! You get great exercise and fitness. But it does hurt when your not really flexible, but you feel so relaxed at the same time. It's amazing. I love it! I'm going to buy me a yoga mat once i get allowance and im doing yoga every day. It's nice too because it makes you forget what's going on and just feel at ease for the moment. Things have kind of settled down. The emotions are still there but no one is showing it physically. My dad's staying with a friend right till we figure things out so it's just my mom, my sister and me. I never though it would actually come to this but it did. But wow, yoga is really great!

It's Over...

Well. I had to face him today. He came over and my parents talked. And then I had to say how I felt and what was bothering me and all. But it was so hard! He never cries but he was today. I've never seen him cry like that. But, I froze. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I'm so angry and confused but then i'm scared. I'm scared that he'll leave and forget about me. Or he'll never come back. I don't know. It's just SO much is happening. And so I didn't say anything. But as Amber and I walked to the room I stopped. And I said, "Why would you throw everything away? You weren't even arguing! It's like you care about what your friends think more than your family!" And that was it. I ran into the room. But finally I had to go out and say goodbye. He hugged Amber and then me. And as he hugged me he said, "I'll always love you. And everything you said was true. I'm sorry. I'll try to be a better dad. I guess it just took a mistake to realize it." And then he left. That's it. I mean, I know i'll see him. But, you know? I can't describe it. I'm so hurt, angry, confused. I'll never forgive him for what he did and I'll never be able to say I trust him, but he still is my dad. I do love him. And it kills me to have even the slightest ounce of pity for him but I do. He lost everything. And I don't think he's going to get it back. But the truth is... I miss him. I miss how things used to be. You can't possibly understand what i'm feeling. I'm so crushed. Like I said before, i'm suffocating. It's all over. I don't know what to feel. I mean, what did he think would happen? He needs to know once and for all how he truly is. This house is so quiet now. Everyone's so sad. I can't even describe my mom. I can't possibly know what she feels right now. And it kills me to see her so miserable and hurt. My family will never be the same. Ever. I just, I feel so angry! I can't even describe it! I'm so confused! You have no idea! My heart is shattered into a million pieces. And that's it. I don't even know what to say anymore. I hope he knows what he did. Cause he'll never be trusted by any one of us again. He needs to earn it back. And there's a very slim chance he will. Quite frankly, I don't want to give it back.

Suffocating...

I can't take this anymore! I can't breath. Every emotion hurts. I just want things to go back to the way they were! But they never will. How could he do this to us? Why would he throw us away? And now I have no idea if he is ok. And it scares me. And then that makes me mad because I hate him and am so mad at him and feel like I never want to see him again, but I worry. I'm torn in half. I don't know what to feel. There's no where to go. That's why I went to Kyla's yesterday. I just couldn't take it. I didn't even care if my mom said no. I just left. I wanna leave so bad. I need a break. I can't deal with this. I don't know how! Please, it hurts so much. It's not like this is just a bad dream. I can't just open my eyes and it all goes away. It's a living nightmare. I want to cry ALL the time. But I can't. I need to be strong for everyone. But deep inside, I truly feel like sleeping and never waking up. I feel so useless and helpless. I can't fix this. I can't figure out a way to make it better. And i'm always the one to make it better. And I can't.

Kyla's House...

Today I woke up pretty early for what i've been waking up to. I woke up at like 8:30 or something. But then I just needed to get out of the house for a bit. So, I went straight to Kyla's. I didn't even ask. While we've been at Kyla's we've played with her two dogs, Kenai and Fauna, as well as with her cat Jade. I'm still at her house right now, lol. But I thought I'd do something a little different. We also went swimming though. It was fun. I like that it's taking my mind off of some of the things happening right now. Ok, here's Kyla! Me: (as in Kyla) hello! i miss all of u and me and ashli are having an awesome time, u should be jealous. hehehehehehe X)

Horrible...

I want my friends. I want to get away. I need a break from here. Something happened. That's all i'll say. But I am so sad. I feel horrible. I feel so angry, sad, confused and crushed all at the same time. I don't understand how one person can be so cruel and vicious. I don't get it. Why? That's my only question and it'll never be answered. Cause there is no answer. There is no excuse. There's no explanation. And these feelings will never go away. I just don't get it! Someone please. Can you put it in words i'll understand? You guys have no idea how good you probably have it. I mean after this all happened we had to go to walmart. And I saw people walking with babies and happy couples. And i'm just thinking, "Enjoy it while you can." I need someone to love me. Who won't hurt me. I feel so physically and emotionally exhausted. Why do people throw away the best things in their life? When they know there is nothing out there in the world better. And they just throw it away and take advantage of it like no big deal. Well guess what? It is! And you can't take things like that back. I swear that person better not expect me to forgive and forget. I hate them. And never want to see their face again!

Yoga...

I'm thinking about starting yoga. I know it sounds wierd but it's very relaxing and it sounds nice to let go of all the stress. Plus, yoga is a great form of exercise. I know what you're thinking, how is that possible? But yoga works every muscle in the body. Or most of them, one of those two lol. But yah. That's what i'm debating. Just felt like talking about it.

Stupid Alarm Clock...

I don't understand what's going on. Im basically kicked out of Hope now. See, if you miss more than one day you can't go back. And monday, I woke up late. Something went wrong with my alarm clock even though i know i set it. So, I was like ok? But then come today. It happened again! I just don't get it. I've never had a problem hearing my alarm clock and out of no where I can't hear it? And even if I did wake up and turn it off, I always remember if I do. I swear. Like, I'll go back to sleep but know I'm sleeping. No lie. So yah. I'm screwed and am gonna have to take Hope during some school year. And this was the last summer to take it so it's not like I can just wait until next summer. it's driving me crazy. What if it is my fault? I'm so irresponsible. I mean, Im always trying and doing my best and getting everything done that needs to be done. Doing it right the first time, keeping my personal hygiene great. Cleaning my room, organizing stuff. But it's always the easiest things that I screw up. I mean, the other day I finally got tv in my room. And not jsut normal cable, all 900 channels from DirecTV so I was like yes! So I had the tv and ate dinner. 10 minutes later, 10 MINUTES, I went to push the tv back into the wall and what happens? The entire connector hook-up gets ripped out of the back of the tv because I tripped over the cord. Im a great person and have great qualities(not to brag or anything) but I am seriously a cluts. But the alarm clock thing? I just don't get it. I can and will swear up and down 100 times more, it's not my fault. Something happened or someone else turned it off. And the worst part, I won't get to see Kyla everyday. That's what made Hope so much fun for me. I looked forward to getting to hang out and sit next to my best friend every single day of the week. And now, I can't. So I'll probably barely see her now. =(

You Don't Mess With The Zohan...

Saturday I went to the movies with my friend Nicole. We went to see the Zohan movie, obviously lol. It was hilarious! My god, i've never seen someone so dedicated to having sex, lol. I have to say though it wasn't what I expected. It was more adult-oriented lol. After that though we went and walked around the mall. We got some candy and went to wait outside. And took like lots of photos lol. Ill put some up when she emails them to me. Outside though, while we were waiting for my mom, nicole went to go take a photo and at the same time my sister poured water on my head so nicole got the photo to where I was gasping lol. It was hilarious! Ill make sure i put that one on! Well, at Hope, I started liking someone. Hes cute and funny but I kind of don't stand a chance. You see, im too afraid to walk up and say hi. I know, im a chicken. But tomorrow, that day will come when I say something! It'll be the day! ^_^

Guest Speaker...

Today was so hilarious in HOPE. We had a guest speaker come in. His name was Trevor and he was 62 or something. But anyways, he came in to talk to us all about alcoholism, because he is a recovering alcoholic. But see, he takes his soberism as a good thing and makes it fun to talk about. But this guy was so hilarious! He had so many jokes, my god. At the beginning, he was like, "See, alcohol makes you wnat to have sex more. And America is always like don't have sex kids but they make it so easy for kids to get alcohol. Quite frankly I don't see the problem. I was actually guite grateful. Ever heard of a thing called viagra?" ^_^ Of course he meant it as a joke. It was so funny though. And at another time this girl kept not understanding what he was saying so he would out his hand on his face and look so dumbfounded. He also talked about how the toilet is what he calls the big white phone. He thinks its crazyu how people are trying to talk to god while peuking from being drunk cause they're always like "Oh god! Make it stop!" Toilet ain't gonna get you there! ^_^ It was SO hilarious. You had to be there, lol. He was also like, "Now kids, im telling you now, never drive intoxicated! Ever! I mean a normal person driving down the high way is all Hey how are you! Nothing to see here! when passing a cop but then a drunk person would be like, &#@* You! It was so hilarious! I know i've said that like ten times but I mean it! Hahaha. Mr. Trevor Rocks!

Sisters...

You can't live with them, can't live under the same roof, lol. My sister and I got in a HUGE fight today. She was mad, I was mad. Finally, I just had it. Im tired of being picked on and pushed around. So I grabbed a glass of water sitting on the counter and I threw it at her. As in I poured the water all over her, but more violently, lol. And so she ran out and grabbed a water bottle and poured the entire thing on me. So we were throwing water all over the house! Everything was soaked! So we made our way to the kitchen and I grabbed the sink sprayer and I sprayed her like there was no tomorrow. Im tired of her thinking she can push me around and do whatever the heck she wants. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Of course my mom was outside mowing the lawn and came in, so you can imagine how ticked she was. I ran to my room and locked the door, but it was pretty obvious where I was lol.