Stupid Fighting...

Well, me and amber were fighting again. And of course this time it was at my aunt sharons. Right in front of the birds. ima like scream when they learn all these cuss words cause of me and amber. We fought and in the end, i got punched in the face.so i slammed her into the wall. only fair :/ but like, amber was screaming at me and ive never seen her so angry. i know it was just from the steam of the moment, but she told me she hates me and i ruin her life and.. it got to me. it hurt, a lot. i just dont know. so i just stopped talking and stuff. but, all i know, is im gonna lay low for a while. i mean, im lucky she doesnt have a concussion from me slamming her head in the wall. but yah. well, im at school right now. and today was really nice. it was pv's 40th anniversary. and so we all hung out and stuff. and then, julia and i skipped 3rd period and just me and her talked in the forest. it was really nice. i miss talking to her like we used to. i just love knowing she still likes me to be there for her. (: OH! we played football at lunch. and, i cut my tongue open lol. it stopped bleeding a lil l8r, but it was fun. while we were playing tho, julia started singing this song she wrote called Circle of Roses, and i can honestly say it is one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard. especially the way she plays guitar with it. it was so beautiful. anyways, ive been talking to taylor. its really nice that hes happy. yah he and the girl he likes rnt dating, but he is becoming closer to her, and seeing him happy makes me happy lol.

Im Happy...

Well ive been thinking, and, ive just come to peace with myself. im really happy right now. Like, i feel like even though stuff hurts, and i feel broken because of some of the stuff thats been going on, im happy. It happened for a reason. Like what happened with dallas. not saying that it doesnt hurt, cause of course i feel completely heart broken, but, i feel he did me a favor. i mean, if it never happened, i would have ended up dating a complete dick and would have been miserable. But no, even though it hurt and stuff, it helped me in the long run. and then with taylor. Yah i liked him and stuff, but ive been getting really close with him. he comes to me for advice and i go to him. and, i wouldnt want it any other way. hes there for me when i feel no one else is, i like him as a friend. basically, i cant see it any other way. not only that though, but, if something ever did happen, and we would break up, i wouldnt have him there anymore. i dont want that. so im happy. im completely happy. and omg im FINALLY getting close to julia again (: i feel like it used to when we talk and stuff. its nice, having her there again (:. yet again, im at peace.

Im So Sorry...

Well, i feel so bad. my best friend got brutally and harshly dumped from this JACKASS stephen and she just feels so crushed. i hope i can be there for her through this hard time and what not :/

Wow This Back and Forth Crap is Getting Old...

Well, last night dallas called.. again. and idk y, im just a stupid IDIOT, but i answered. and of course hes gotta say some smart ass comment about us taking a vacation (long story) and then like, we were talking. and all he could say is why do i hate him? and all this stupidness. and like, i was saying i dont hate you but i dont like you like that anymore. ok you know what ill do this in convo format. obviously its not verbatim.

D - why do you hate me?
A - I dont hate you but i dont like you like that anymore.
D - what do you mean like that?
A - you know, like like-like
D - what do i have to do to make you like me like that again?
A - ok if you never meant what u said while u "werent" flirting with me why would you want me to like you now?
D - idk ive just been doing a lot of thinking lately
A - about what?
D - just lots of stuff. i dont really wanna go into it
A - ok well i just dont like you like that anymore
* then of course he has to be his immature annoying self
D - why do you hate me?
A - ok if all your going to say is that i hate you im just going to get off the phone
D - if you get off the phone then i wont talk to you for like.. a month
A - dallas, you said that last night yet your sitting here calling me
D - ok you know what? fine, im done then. bye.

and he hung up on me. god, i cant believe i even picked up the phone in the first place. its so ridiculous! when im not talking to him, i wanna kill him but when im talking to him i feel like i cant hurt him. HE DESERVES TO BE SLAPPED OVER AND OVER AND OVER. but yet, i cant even yell at him. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! i honestly was going to buy all of his shitty lies again. NO!!! Never!!!! i wont!!! no matter what happens or what he says hes lying to me and i WONT fall for it!!!!! Good bye Dallas, cause now, IM done.

Dallas Called...

Well, last night was really hard. Out of no where dallas called. And, he asked me why i was mad. Like he doesnt know why the liar. But anyways, and, i asked well who said i was mad. and hes just like i have connections from a higher power. So i think nicole's lieing to me about not talking to him. So thats kind of another slap in the face. But then, i explained to him everything. every single part of this whole situation that makes me so angry, and frustrated and depressed and miserable and heart broken. And basically, he gave me all the fucking excuses that he told me he uses on other girls and promised he wouldnt do to me. I told him like, how can you flirt with me so much and lead me on so much and then just drop me like i dont even exist, and for my best friend of all people. and hes like, theres a difference between me flirting and being nice. if i was flirting i would consistently be flirting with you. and im like, THATS EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING!!!! and not only that, but he used that line before to assure me that he isnt flirting with other girls and only likes me, fyi. its just so fucking retarted. And, i feel so heartbroken. I meant that little to him. I guess, it hurts so much cause i actually believed him and thought he cared. Oh and then Dallas is like yah well ashli you know what type of guy I am and im like yah but u know what type of girl i am and i take things seriously. And then im like well i got to go to bed. and hes like no, dont hang up the phone. and so im like no dallas i have to go. and hes like well what do you want more, go to bed or talk to me? and im like well i really wanna go to bed. and hes like are you fucking serious your gonna choose going to bed over talking to me? and i said i guess i am. so hes like you know what screw this bye and he hung up on me. im just like, how the hell can you be mad at me?! god! hes such a dick. OH and also in between getting mad at me and giving me all these stupid excuses hes like well we could make it work but it would take a lot of effort. so i said, yah but see i only date people who actually wanna date me back. i just, i cant believe him. i feel so crushed.

I Truly Understand Now..

Ok, do you ever have those moment where your just like, wow, i think i figured it out. And, the thing is, you could have figured out anything. There's so many things in the world that no one will ever understand but one person thinks they do in their own perspective. Its just, what makes me different? My experiences? The way i look? The way i talk? We're all the same. Don't get me wrong, no one is exactly the same, but when it comes to love; we are. We all want so desperately to find that special someone. And some of us have gone through so much that thats all we want. Someone like me. Thats all i want. Everyday on the bus, i hear tim or shana making these sexual comments and making it sound like a joke. But its not. Love isnt a joke. Its not something that should be taken for granted. Love is the only thing on the planet that can make a person feel every emotion all at the same time. Happiness that the person is here with you, sadness to the fact that you are completely love-struck and cant get out, relaxation knowing that you are stuck but that one person will never let anything happen to you, yet fear. Fear of losing that special person every second of ever minute of every day. Every day is a gift, that's why they call it the present. It's just, why am i looking so hard? Why am i so depressed when its not right there in front of my eyes? I'll find it, and the wait just makes finding it all the more special.

Fucking Backstabbing....

Ok, well, apparently dallas hasnt been talking to me. at all. he said all those sweet and lovely things and then he completely just dropped me. i couldnt believe it. tell a girl you want to be her first kiss and date and that ull change just for her and then drop her? what a dick. but then, a week and a half l8r, no text, no call, nothing. so i text him the other night and say so are you gonna say hi to me at all or just keep ignoring me? so he called. and the only reason he called is cause i sent that text. but he wasnt even paying attention to me. he was texting his friend and all this shit. so im just like ugh. but w8, it gets better. and then so, the next morning i was all upset cause im like well apparently hes over me after everything he made me believe. so i was texting ashlynn about it and shes like, "yah  hes been talking to a LOT lately" as in she was saying he was flirting or something. and im like oh, way to go. that sure makes me feel SO much better -.- and i was texting nicole and shes like yah this morning he said it wouldnt work cause he wouldnt see you and u guys r too much of friends. and im like, "ok isnt this something you think about fucking BEFORE you tell the girl you wanna date her and lead her on like there's no damn tomorrow!!!!!" but it get even better! then i hear nicole skipped class with him. and then she was hanging with him after school!!!! i mean, i know hes gonna have friends, but come on. my BEST friend, thats just being a bitch. all i hear is oh hey i was with dallas after he completely just broke my heart. and shes only been hanging with  him ever since this happened, which i think is completely ironic. its like, i know that i wasnt even dating him. but it hurts so fucking much! because all i want is for someone to care about me. thats all i want. and i thought he cared. i truly did. he was saying things that people would say if theyve been dating for years. but no.. he was just having fun cause he though it would never work. FUCKING BASTARD!!! i feel like ive been kicked in the stomach, chewed up and spit back out. i just, i feel so used. and to top that off betrayed because nicole is doing this. its just, not saying she cant be friends with him, its not like hes my property or anything. but the fact that he did this to ME, her best friend, but shes gonna hang with him like oh hey. i dont care u completely used my best friend noooooo. OH! btw, she fucking defended him!!! im sitting here crying my eyes out about what he did and shes all, "well i know ur hurt but he didnt mean to..." btw if he didnt want to hurt me THEN FUCKING DONT LEAD ME ON IF YOU NEVER WANTED ANYTHNG "... he does like you he just knows he wont be able to see you". oh ok nicole, well let me think about this. i dont see him for 2 months, HES the one who called me, gets these emotions for me even though he hasnt seen me for 2 MONTHS, leads me on and doesnt realize he wont see me. not only that but he never even fucking tried to see me!  i just, i feel so betrayed and backstabbed and hurt. i wanna cry all the time. i feel like i cant trust anyone. well obviously i can trust some people but u know? i can deal with what dallas, i know im hurting because of it and hes a fucking bastard for what he did, but nicole? not my best friend. im not saying she means to hurt me, but she should realize she is. i just, i dont know what to do. i dont know why this happened. i was SO happy about dallas and then apparently hes just all "oh i didnt mean it i know it wont work so im just gonna completely act like u dont exist" i mean if he came to me and told me how he feels i would understand, but no he ditches me and makes me think like I did something wrong. and not only that, but if he knew it wouldnt work, well idk, DONT LEAD ME ON AND MAKE ME THINK UR GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT WORK! cause fyi bitch, it makes it hurt all the more.

Ok Lots Has Happened...

Well, I got lots to fill you all up on so yah. Well the main thing, of course. Dallas. Well, i was sleeping one night and then out of no where Dallas calls  me at like 11 at night and we were talking till 3 in the morning. and i guess he pretty much told me that he liked me and wanted to date me and is just waiting for the right time to ask or something. So of course i was happy. He was being so sweet and what not. And, i like him a lot. So ive talked to him a few times since and hope i can see him. But, then, i got kinda doubts in my head. I mean, he has been with quite a few girls, and... dont get me wrong i think he means what he says, but, when he would talk to me and compliment me and stuff, all i could think was, "Yah how many girls have you told that to?" but i was talking to emily and shes rite. the only way i can ever know if he truly means what he says or not, is if i take a chance. if it doesnt work, then i can end it and ill always have my friends to fall back on. but who knows, it could turn into something wonderful. so, the doubts kinda had disappeared. we'll just have to see what happens. Anyways, i got a 100 on my biology notebook. I was so proud. I waited till the last day to do it yet i got a 100. there's procrastination at its best for ya haha. Well, in french we have to do this "rock opera" on the french revolution. its kinda cool. i mean, id rather do it than normal class work. Omg. ok, this morning, i found something out about my sister. last nite, she kept consistently trying to be able to skip her first class today. and it was pissing my mom off. amber just kept saying she just didnt wanna go since she has a half day today anyways. but, then this morning, when my mom said no, amber got all worried. and she told us this bitch named jenna is picking on her and her friend brianna. calling them fat and what not. and shes like its been going on for 2 weeks. but, i just know this is all because of fucking nicole. amber's friend who hates brianna. nicole like completely backstabbed brianna last year, and brianna is a nice girl. so, im just like nu uh. and i mean come on, jenna is friends with nicole. shes calling my sister fat. but compared to nicole, my sister is an ant while nicole is an elephant. the girls fucking huge! she has to even wear ankle braces because her weight crushes them. the little bitch. so i told amber, if she has anymore problems with this girl, im going down to your school and im gonna kick the SHIT OUT OF THAT BITCH JENNA AND NICOLE!!!! im not letting them destroy my sister's high school years that are supposed to be wonderful. So fuck that, i got your back amber. but yah. emily and austin are doing good. im glad for them. everything worked out perfectly for them. (: well, im on the bus right now and its frickin cold outside haha. so... im just like ehhh. OMG I RAN LAST NITE!!!!! i ran for the 1st time in like 5 weeks. it felt soooo good!!!! i forgot how relaxing running is. my dad, mom and sister and i all went down to the heron creek track. i was proud of my family because they all got out there and got speed walking. so i was proud. i was proud of myself too cause i ran 3 miles nonstop. didnt stop once. take that for not running in a while xP. haha. it was so nice tho. it was. the last half of the last lap, so my 12th lap, i sprinted all out down the side. in my head i was just like, "dont stop ashli. go all the way through the finish line" haha. i love cross country! but yah. im just so happy that my mom, dad and amber got out there and did at least something. they're always complaining how im such a toothpick and what not. and i know they say it jokingly but it hurts. i mean, its not my fault im just naturally skinnier and taller than them. how can i help that? and if they have issues with their bodies, get out there and do something about it. dont sit there and take it out on me, because honestly i cant handle anymore lol. everybody takes all their issues out on me in this family, so im done. thats why i have been so pissed off and having a temper lately. after i got in that huge fight with my dad, i realized how little they care about using me. i mean, dont get all pissed at your daughter or sister for something that she didnt even do. and so, since i kinda feel cornered i guess, im gonna fight back. try and get out of that corner. i know it takes work to be a loving family, but i mean come on. and i know that in a family it should be a certain hierarchy, but, since ive had to see the things that i have ive grown up a lot faster than i would have regularly. and, its my life, my world. so in MY world, im on the top of the hierarchy and no one can take that away.

Mall...

Well i went to the mall today. I went with Madi and we saw Marley and Me. At the end, we were waiting in the aisle to get out before the crowd and as we were watching I was just like, no ashli dont do it now now because i was about to cry ahah. then we got new tanks at pacsun and stuff. We were waiting outside for my mom to get us and there was this group of teenage guys and they were all smoking weed and i was really creeped out. I think  that's disgusting. Ugh lol

Fun With The Issues...

Well, yesterday was fun. Madison came over yesterday and it was only me and her for most of the day because my mom was working, amber was babysitting and my dad was golfing. We just hung out and played rockband and then amber came home, and my mom right after amber. But, then we all hung out and my parents went to this New Years Party. So we played rockband some more. But, then, Nicole called and she needed to talk so she came over. And it was more problems with her dad. So i told nicole to stay at my place. And, i told my parents so she spent the night too. We all played rockband and then we made stupid videos! haha. I played an australian explorer and Nicole was a dinosaur and Madison was a madison haha. And then me and amber did Sumo wrestling xP! It was all fun till my head was slammed into a metal pole. Can you say ouch?! I had a HUGE lump on my head and now i cant lay down on that side. But overall it was fun. OH! Then when we were laying down, madison's dad had to be all gayy and pathetic and he got drunk, this whole argument with Sharon and yada yada yada. He needs to get over his pathetic whiny-ass attitude and just leave her instead of complaining 24/7. But yah. but anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZAC!!! AND HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! 2009 BABY WOO!!