I Finally Hung Out With Taylor...

Well, today was really nice after what yesterday entailed. i completely broke down in the middle of history. it was horrible. and i realized all my grades were slipping because of my depression. and, i guess it just all got to me when mrs. johnston wanted to talk. it was harsh, but she was being nice. she told me how she was observing how my mind works and said i have one of the best history brains in the class so she doesnt understand why i did so bad on the test. so i told her the truth; that i had a lot going on and ive just been so depressed and my mind just wasnt with me. but in the process of telling her this, i started balling my fucking eyes out and ugh. so shes all well you can always talk to me if u need to and i can help you study if u want. and im like ok. so it was harsh, in the sense that i broke down in front of everyone and their all looking at me like wtf. but its over now. the darkest days are behind me. today, i got so sick of being depressed. i hung out with taylor, and i was just so happy. i could swim in his eyes. those crystal blue eyes. i swear. i had to like remind myself to listen to what hes saying. and i actually had to try not to smile. i wanted to just sit there, stare into his beautiful eyes, smile and cry all at the same time. but, it was nice. i love talking to him. like u have no idea. hes my escape to everything. to everything. it was annoying cause we werent alone. but, what ever. i just had to grin and bear it. it bugged me, cause all day i couldnt stop saying how much i wanted to be alone, but what ever. at least i got to see him none the less. but then when i got home, i was just thinking by myself in my room. and im like, i was truly, genuinely happy today. being with him. and not to sound like some stalker or anything, but so when ever i get really depressed i think of talking to him and it goes away. so tonight, i did all my hw and i cleaned my room. i cleaned out my backpack. got rid of all the trash. idk. i guess it was kind of symbolizing me getting rid of all the shitty emotions and thoughts in my head. but either way, it was me turning a new leaf. im sick of being depressed. and even tho i still feel a bit sad, im finding my way out of the hole. im climbing out and i will see the sun again soon.

Its All Whatever...

Well, i havent posted in a while so i know theres a lot to catch up on. Well, for starters i finally gave taylor my song book. I love my songs dont get wrong, but im just yah my songs are kinda corny i guess. So i warned him haha. And it was kinda wierd tho lol. Cause as i was talking to him to give it to him i was just thinkin, wow i think this is the first time weve actually talked in person lol. Of course, he was on his way to see fay so i was just oh. nice. He goes to hang with her everyday. But at least i get to talk to him on aim after school. Oh and then last night, my family got in this huge fight and it was so annoying because amber, my sis, didnt even do anything. and my parents are sitting there, epsecially my dad, saying shes worthless and basically calling her a piece of crap. and im just like fuck you, so i defended her the next morning. My dad has no right to sit there and say she doesnt lover her family when hes the one whos cheated on mom, like threatened to kill her, abused her. hes done every fucking thing there is to do and then hes gonna talk to my sister like who's already self concious as it is? i dont think so.But what ever. Ive just been having this HUGE feeling of loneliness lately. I just, i am happy when im with my friends, but the second i get alone i feel so lonely and ugh. i wanna cry all the time. and i just feel so stressed and ugh. I feel like i hate never having anything happy, and then i realize that i never go for anything to make myself happy because my whole life whenever i found something i love its been taken away from me. so why go for it if i know itll be taken away? i just, im so lonely.

Ugh The Stress Is Too Much...

Well, i guess nothing really horrible has happened. just painful realizations. My mom and dad started arguing really bad, and i cant explain it. i just realized how much well never be happy. how many fake smiles everyone makes every day. i feel so trapped. this isnt a family. ive seen so much in my life already, things that no one should ever have to see. and for life to go on with all this pain and heartache and loneliness, what kind of a life is that? its not one. i just, i dont know. i dont know what i want. i dont know where to go. i wish i did but i dont. i just, i want to be loved. i want to know what it feels like to belong. its so aggravating. everything is aggravating. the way i see it is, of course i have this biological family, but my friends are my real family. theyre the ones that are always there. and then, what hurts me the most, is everyday my mom will break down and start crying out of nowhere and all the time she says how no one cares about her and shes all alone and she hates her life. and it just hurts so much because she has no idea how much i love her. i would kill myself if i didnt have her, i honestly would. i love her so much, and for her to say that, its just like saying i mean nothing. of course i know shes under a lot of stress and shes just venting her emotions and is in a lot of pain emotionally, but still. i cant help how i feel either. i just, im sick of it all. my family will never be happy ever. i feel trapped. trapped in this family, in this home, in this life.

Stupid Fighting...

Well, me and amber were fighting again. And of course this time it was at my aunt sharons. Right in front of the birds. ima like scream when they learn all these cuss words cause of me and amber. We fought and in the end, i got punched in the face.so i slammed her into the wall. only fair :/ but like, amber was screaming at me and ive never seen her so angry. i know it was just from the steam of the moment, but she told me she hates me and i ruin her life and.. it got to me. it hurt, a lot. i just dont know. so i just stopped talking and stuff. but, all i know, is im gonna lay low for a while. i mean, im lucky she doesnt have a concussion from me slamming her head in the wall. but yah. well, im at school right now. and today was really nice. it was pv's 40th anniversary. and so we all hung out and stuff. and then, julia and i skipped 3rd period and just me and her talked in the forest. it was really nice. i miss talking to her like we used to. i just love knowing she still likes me to be there for her. (: OH! we played football at lunch. and, i cut my tongue open lol. it stopped bleeding a lil l8r, but it was fun. while we were playing tho, julia started singing this song she wrote called Circle of Roses, and i can honestly say it is one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard. especially the way she plays guitar with it. it was so beautiful. anyways, ive been talking to taylor. its really nice that hes happy. yah he and the girl he likes rnt dating, but he is becoming closer to her, and seeing him happy makes me happy lol.

Im Happy...

Well ive been thinking, and, ive just come to peace with myself. im really happy right now. Like, i feel like even though stuff hurts, and i feel broken because of some of the stuff thats been going on, im happy. It happened for a reason. Like what happened with dallas. not saying that it doesnt hurt, cause of course i feel completely heart broken, but, i feel he did me a favor. i mean, if it never happened, i would have ended up dating a complete dick and would have been miserable. But no, even though it hurt and stuff, it helped me in the long run. and then with taylor. Yah i liked him and stuff, but ive been getting really close with him. he comes to me for advice and i go to him. and, i wouldnt want it any other way. hes there for me when i feel no one else is, i like him as a friend. basically, i cant see it any other way. not only that though, but, if something ever did happen, and we would break up, i wouldnt have him there anymore. i dont want that. so im happy. im completely happy. and omg im FINALLY getting close to julia again (: i feel like it used to when we talk and stuff. its nice, having her there again (:. yet again, im at peace.

Im So Sorry...

Well, i feel so bad. my best friend got brutally and harshly dumped from this JACKASS stephen and she just feels so crushed. i hope i can be there for her through this hard time and what not :/

Wow This Back and Forth Crap is Getting Old...

Well, last night dallas called.. again. and idk y, im just a stupid IDIOT, but i answered. and of course hes gotta say some smart ass comment about us taking a vacation (long story) and then like, we were talking. and all he could say is why do i hate him? and all this stupidness. and like, i was saying i dont hate you but i dont like you like that anymore. ok you know what ill do this in convo format. obviously its not verbatim.

D - why do you hate me?
A - I dont hate you but i dont like you like that anymore.
D - what do you mean like that?
A - you know, like like-like
D - what do i have to do to make you like me like that again?
A - ok if you never meant what u said while u "werent" flirting with me why would you want me to like you now?
D - idk ive just been doing a lot of thinking lately
A - about what?
D - just lots of stuff. i dont really wanna go into it
A - ok well i just dont like you like that anymore
* then of course he has to be his immature annoying self
D - why do you hate me?
A - ok if all your going to say is that i hate you im just going to get off the phone
D - if you get off the phone then i wont talk to you for like.. a month
A - dallas, you said that last night yet your sitting here calling me
D - ok you know what? fine, im done then. bye.

and he hung up on me. god, i cant believe i even picked up the phone in the first place. its so ridiculous! when im not talking to him, i wanna kill him but when im talking to him i feel like i cant hurt him. HE DESERVES TO BE SLAPPED OVER AND OVER AND OVER. but yet, i cant even yell at him. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! i honestly was going to buy all of his shitty lies again. NO!!! Never!!!! i wont!!! no matter what happens or what he says hes lying to me and i WONT fall for it!!!!! Good bye Dallas, cause now, IM done.

Dallas Called...

Well, last night was really hard. Out of no where dallas called. And, he asked me why i was mad. Like he doesnt know why the liar. But anyways, and, i asked well who said i was mad. and hes just like i have connections from a higher power. So i think nicole's lieing to me about not talking to him. So thats kind of another slap in the face. But then, i explained to him everything. every single part of this whole situation that makes me so angry, and frustrated and depressed and miserable and heart broken. And basically, he gave me all the fucking excuses that he told me he uses on other girls and promised he wouldnt do to me. I told him like, how can you flirt with me so much and lead me on so much and then just drop me like i dont even exist, and for my best friend of all people. and hes like, theres a difference between me flirting and being nice. if i was flirting i would consistently be flirting with you. and im like, THATS EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING!!!! and not only that, but he used that line before to assure me that he isnt flirting with other girls and only likes me, fyi. its just so fucking retarted. And, i feel so heartbroken. I meant that little to him. I guess, it hurts so much cause i actually believed him and thought he cared. Oh and then Dallas is like yah well ashli you know what type of guy I am and im like yah but u know what type of girl i am and i take things seriously. And then im like well i got to go to bed. and hes like no, dont hang up the phone. and so im like no dallas i have to go. and hes like well what do you want more, go to bed or talk to me? and im like well i really wanna go to bed. and hes like are you fucking serious your gonna choose going to bed over talking to me? and i said i guess i am. so hes like you know what screw this bye and he hung up on me. im just like, how the hell can you be mad at me?! god! hes such a dick. OH and also in between getting mad at me and giving me all these stupid excuses hes like well we could make it work but it would take a lot of effort. so i said, yah but see i only date people who actually wanna date me back. i just, i cant believe him. i feel so crushed.

I Truly Understand Now..

Ok, do you ever have those moment where your just like, wow, i think i figured it out. And, the thing is, you could have figured out anything. There's so many things in the world that no one will ever understand but one person thinks they do in their own perspective. Its just, what makes me different? My experiences? The way i look? The way i talk? We're all the same. Don't get me wrong, no one is exactly the same, but when it comes to love; we are. We all want so desperately to find that special someone. And some of us have gone through so much that thats all we want. Someone like me. Thats all i want. Everyday on the bus, i hear tim or shana making these sexual comments and making it sound like a joke. But its not. Love isnt a joke. Its not something that should be taken for granted. Love is the only thing on the planet that can make a person feel every emotion all at the same time. Happiness that the person is here with you, sadness to the fact that you are completely love-struck and cant get out, relaxation knowing that you are stuck but that one person will never let anything happen to you, yet fear. Fear of losing that special person every second of ever minute of every day. Every day is a gift, that's why they call it the present. It's just, why am i looking so hard? Why am i so depressed when its not right there in front of my eyes? I'll find it, and the wait just makes finding it all the more special.

Fucking Backstabbing....

Ok, well, apparently dallas hasnt been talking to me. at all. he said all those sweet and lovely things and then he completely just dropped me. i couldnt believe it. tell a girl you want to be her first kiss and date and that ull change just for her and then drop her? what a dick. but then, a week and a half l8r, no text, no call, nothing. so i text him the other night and say so are you gonna say hi to me at all or just keep ignoring me? so he called. and the only reason he called is cause i sent that text. but he wasnt even paying attention to me. he was texting his friend and all this shit. so im just like ugh. but w8, it gets better. and then so, the next morning i was all upset cause im like well apparently hes over me after everything he made me believe. so i was texting ashlynn about it and shes like, "yah  hes been talking to a LOT lately" as in she was saying he was flirting or something. and im like oh, way to go. that sure makes me feel SO much better -.- and i was texting nicole and shes like yah this morning he said it wouldnt work cause he wouldnt see you and u guys r too much of friends. and im like, "ok isnt this something you think about fucking BEFORE you tell the girl you wanna date her and lead her on like there's no damn tomorrow!!!!!" but it get even better! then i hear nicole skipped class with him. and then she was hanging with him after school!!!! i mean, i know hes gonna have friends, but come on. my BEST friend, thats just being a bitch. all i hear is oh hey i was with dallas after he completely just broke my heart. and shes only been hanging with  him ever since this happened, which i think is completely ironic. its like, i know that i wasnt even dating him. but it hurts so fucking much! because all i want is for someone to care about me. thats all i want. and i thought he cared. i truly did. he was saying things that people would say if theyve been dating for years. but no.. he was just having fun cause he though it would never work. FUCKING BASTARD!!! i feel like ive been kicked in the stomach, chewed up and spit back out. i just, i feel so used. and to top that off betrayed because nicole is doing this. its just, not saying she cant be friends with him, its not like hes my property or anything. but the fact that he did this to ME, her best friend, but shes gonna hang with him like oh hey. i dont care u completely used my best friend noooooo. OH! btw, she fucking defended him!!! im sitting here crying my eyes out about what he did and shes all, "well i know ur hurt but he didnt mean to..." btw if he didnt want to hurt me THEN FUCKING DONT LEAD ME ON IF YOU NEVER WANTED ANYTHNG "... he does like you he just knows he wont be able to see you". oh ok nicole, well let me think about this. i dont see him for 2 months, HES the one who called me, gets these emotions for me even though he hasnt seen me for 2 MONTHS, leads me on and doesnt realize he wont see me. not only that but he never even fucking tried to see me!  i just, i feel so betrayed and backstabbed and hurt. i wanna cry all the time. i feel like i cant trust anyone. well obviously i can trust some people but u know? i can deal with what dallas, i know im hurting because of it and hes a fucking bastard for what he did, but nicole? not my best friend. im not saying she means to hurt me, but she should realize she is. i just, i dont know what to do. i dont know why this happened. i was SO happy about dallas and then apparently hes just all "oh i didnt mean it i know it wont work so im just gonna completely act like u dont exist" i mean if he came to me and told me how he feels i would understand, but no he ditches me and makes me think like I did something wrong. and not only that, but if he knew it wouldnt work, well idk, DONT LEAD ME ON AND MAKE ME THINK UR GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT WORK! cause fyi bitch, it makes it hurt all the more.