Kyla's House...

I went over to Kyla's and spent the night saturday night. It was fun. Except, i had to go to church with them. And, it was this jewish thing. Like, nothing against them or anything, i dont mean it like that, but it was so boring! all they did was talk about all this stuff and ehh. But, it was fun. Kyla, ashlynn and I goofed off the whole time. And after, that ashlynn accidentally dropped her cell phone in the parking lot of the church. So we had to drive all the way back to get it. I found it without even having to get out of the car. So that was nice. Convenient too. But yah. I talked to taylor for quite a bit and all that. And then when it was time for me and kyla to go to bed, we just whispered and had a really good conversation. Kyla is one of my best friends. No, she is my best friend. ♥ but yah. And then taylor called so us 3 were talking but then out of no where i got really hot and dizzy and nautious and i had to like run to the bathroom cause i was like dry heaving. Kyla talked to taylor while i was "indisposed" lol. But yah. So that was kind of scary. But then this morning, we all went for a run. I rode the bike while kyla and ashlynn ran. But, once we got to the highschool, i decided to run back while kyla was on the bike. So that was nice. But we had to switch cause i barely ate anything all day so i felt lightheaded. But, the scariest thing happened. I was riding the bike and talking to taylor. Then the bike swerved out of no where towards to road right at the exact moment a car was speeding by. I mean, i saw my life flash before my eyes and i screamed and what not. But the bike turned at the last second, the right before i was about to go flying into the middle of the road and in the way of the car. I just, i truly and honestly dont understand why im alive right now. But, im glad i am. It was so scary though. I was like shaking for 15 minutes afterwards. But, yah. After a while i went home. And then i had to go to my grandma's for a saint patrick's day dinner. It was yummy. But, i felt so out of it. Like, in the sense that, theyre so happy without me there. No matter what i said i was always wrong or stupid shit or i couldnt do this or that yada yada yada. It just pissed me off. And so, i was just like mom, can i walk home? and shes like sure. but the second i got around the corner, i took off my flipflops and i just ran! i loved it! Just, running, no one to stop me or to tell me no. Just keep running. It was like, if i just keep going, nothing can touch me or hurt me or betray me or anything! I just, for that one moment, i felt free.

Guitar...

Ive been playing lots of guitar lately. Idk what it is about it, but i love it! lol. I cant wait to get home everyday and run in my room and start playing. Ive learned so many songs that for once, I can actually play. Lets see. Ive learned: believe in dreams by flyleaf, a place in this world by taylor swift, drop in the ocean by michelle branch, second chances by michelle branch and till i get over you by michelle branch. Lots of michelle branch, i know lol. But, her songs have really good guitar to them, well, in my opinion. But yah. Its just so cool. I can play so many more chords now and i just love playing. Taylor says i need to learn riffs though. Like, riffs are basically guitar without chords. Like, i dont know if you understand what i mean but if u heard one you would know. Pretty much all taylor plays is riffs lol. But he's really good. I have to learn this one song, i think its called stay together for the kids by blink182. lol. sounds hard haha. But yah. im on the bus right now. And im really tired. But strangely enough, i went to bed on time last night. Taylor didnt call me last night. But yah. Fcats ware over. I think i did really good. its so easy its hilarious lol. I really want school tho. I wanna hang out with my friends today. Im not as stressed out right now about school as i have been. Because, art, french, geometry and english grades are all good. So im perfectly fine there. Then, in history, my grade has been struggling all year but i feel really good right now in that grade. Ive been turning in all my homework and stuff. But then, biology....
-.- dont even get me started lol. Mrs. sauriol is really nice she is. but shes a crappy teacher. I dont think its truly her, yet i do, but more that everyone goofs off and doesnt pay attention so she gets pissed off. last time i checked my grade i had a 74. But i just turned in a kick ass lab report for a big grade. And then i just took a huge test, and if i have any luck in the world, i got a B. Damn, i would love life if i got a B on that test. And then tomorrow is friday and we have ch. 6 cornell notes due tomorrow. Im gonna do them tonight. It might take me FOREVER, literally, but i need to do it. But yah. I guess, its just the idea of knowing where i stand when it comes to my grades. Ive already warned my mom about biology. Id rather tell her ahead of time than get screamed at when i get report cards. When do report cards come out? I hope not any time soon. 0.o but yah. What else is there to talk about? OH! Right. Well, my parents got in this huge fight. All because stupid amber. its all so frickin retarted. I swear. But like, my mom i guess her nerves are shot or something and shes really sick all of a sudden. And its pretty bad. But like always, they all put their differences aside (meaning my dad, mom and sister) and get mad at me. I think im what brings them together -.- but like, i hear all this arguing all the time, i see all this stupid shit and stupid fighting and ugh. So, i distance myself. I dont want to be part of that, and quite frankly, ive seen enough in my life already. i dont need to see anymore. so what ever. But, in that case, i dont spend time with them. I leave in the morning, come home, run in my room, dont see me till dinner time, get a plate, back in the room, put plate in sink, back in room. I dont think they see me for more than 5 minutes. And the sad thing is i like it that way. Its just how i am. Idk. is that a bad thing?

Well At Least He's Trying...

Today was really nice. And, what happened today kind of reassured me. I guess. Like, as you know and what i posted last time, ive been having many doubts. but, today was really nice. Taylor and I hung out in the woods. Kyla was there, but i wanted her to be. I dont see her much now. But we all got along and had fun. Like, what happened was, yesterday Julia talked to Taylor. And then taylor called me last night, and he was like "Well , ive been thinking alot lately. And i feel like a real jerk and stupid. Like, other than the woods when were alone, I treat you like you dont exist. And, thats not how a boyfriend should act. Im sorry" and i was just like woah. I mean, julia made him realize whats been bugging me. It kind of didnt help my fears tho. Like, it made me happy relationship wise, but then when it comes to im scared of commitment, it didnt help to hear hes trying to committed 100%. but im gonna get over those fears. I will. I have to. But yah. and then, when we were at the spot in the woods, taylor told me how he started drawing last night. And then he pulled out this drawing he did. And it was of a rose, and it said ♥taylor and i was just so happy. It was so sweet lol. And not too bad of a drawing either (: so im gonna hang it in my room when i go home. But when we walked, we held hands and we walked me to mrs. ringo's portable. It was really nice. Its so wierd tho. i cant get used to being able to say I have a boyfriend. Its so different. But no, i can. Im so happy i can, but its different. I have a boyfriend. omg lol (: But im really happy. I just hope i can get over these fears. I really do get scared that im gonna let the wall i built ruin this for me. I need to stop being so pathetic and just be happy for once. Im so paranoid and it pisses me off. But i cant help it. But, i am happy. Today was a great day. Btw, i had fcat for the past 2 days. And it was SOOOO easy! I swear, they get easier every single year. Its like stuff we learned 3 years ago on the test too. I always finish like first and a half n hour early, so im sitting like about to pass out. But i did good. So, life's good. ♥taylor♥ lol

Why Do I Have To Be So Scared...

I really hate myself right now. I can't even explain it. Taylor and I are dating, yay, but not yay. I am so happy. He makes me so happy. But ive been lying to myself and him as well ): I dont know what to do. I do like him, a lot. And im so happy. But, im so scared. The cage isnt gone. Not at all. Today, taylor was talking to julia, not knowing that i was reading. and he told her all this stuff about relationships and im just like holy shit hes srsly like that. I cant live up to his expectations. I dont want to hurt him. At all. I just. I cant tear the wall down. Ive spent my whole life building it up. Idk what to do. Its so confusing. I have so many conflicting conflicts. I want to open up to him. And i want to let him know how i feel. I want to be there. I want him. But he wants me to be all his. I cant do that. I want to. but i cant. what do i do? How do i accept it. Im so scared if i truly get attached hell be taken away. Just like everything else. So when i get scared, i push people away. If i never had them to begin with, how can they be taken away? Id rather be miserable all the time than be extremely happy then have it ripped out of my hands. I dont want to break his heart. Idk what to do. How will he accept me. Will he accept me for the flaws of my heart? Im too scared to tell him the truth. I cant do it! I cant do it to him. Id rather break my heart than break his. I just, im trapped. I want him. I have him. But im like freaking out on the inside. I want to run away. Its too hard for me. But, ugh! What is so wrong with me? Why cant i just accept? why cant i love? ive been through so much. So many things have been taken away from me, i cant lose another thing. Especially him. Ugh. I dont know what to do. I dont know. My heart is breaking. And he doesnt even know </3

Wow...

Ok, well i havent posted in a LONG time and apparently you all know that lol. Well, of course i should start with the big things. I GOT THE GUY!! hahaha! Yup. Taylor and I are really close and i dont want it any other way. We see eachother every day at lunch and i know we like eachother and yah lol. Its so nice. Hes my taylor bear, long story lol. And, its just so nice. i dont understand how it happened. we were just talking and idk. im just so happy! i cant even explain it. today at lunch, we were laying next to eachother and he had me lay on his chest lol. it was nice. i never wanted to get up lol. i wanted to put my arm over him but i didnt know if i should so i didnt. Anyways, family wise has been ok. havent been spending much time with my family. but i like it that way. And julia and I have finally reconnected. its really nice. And she and luke r doing good so yah. well, yah haha. idk what else there is to say. hopefully i post consistantly from now on lol. But all in all, taylor is the biggest thing thats happened. (: He makes me so happy lol. I just hope i can make him as happy as he makes me.

I Finally Hung Out With Taylor...

Well, today was really nice after what yesterday entailed. i completely broke down in the middle of history. it was horrible. and i realized all my grades were slipping because of my depression. and, i guess it just all got to me when mrs. johnston wanted to talk. it was harsh, but she was being nice. she told me how she was observing how my mind works and said i have one of the best history brains in the class so she doesnt understand why i did so bad on the test. so i told her the truth; that i had a lot going on and ive just been so depressed and my mind just wasnt with me. but in the process of telling her this, i started balling my fucking eyes out and ugh. so shes all well you can always talk to me if u need to and i can help you study if u want. and im like ok. so it was harsh, in the sense that i broke down in front of everyone and their all looking at me like wtf. but its over now. the darkest days are behind me. today, i got so sick of being depressed. i hung out with taylor, and i was just so happy. i could swim in his eyes. those crystal blue eyes. i swear. i had to like remind myself to listen to what hes saying. and i actually had to try not to smile. i wanted to just sit there, stare into his beautiful eyes, smile and cry all at the same time. but, it was nice. i love talking to him. like u have no idea. hes my escape to everything. to everything. it was annoying cause we werent alone. but, what ever. i just had to grin and bear it. it bugged me, cause all day i couldnt stop saying how much i wanted to be alone, but what ever. at least i got to see him none the less. but then when i got home, i was just thinking by myself in my room. and im like, i was truly, genuinely happy today. being with him. and not to sound like some stalker or anything, but so when ever i get really depressed i think of talking to him and it goes away. so tonight, i did all my hw and i cleaned my room. i cleaned out my backpack. got rid of all the trash. idk. i guess it was kind of symbolizing me getting rid of all the shitty emotions and thoughts in my head. but either way, it was me turning a new leaf. im sick of being depressed. and even tho i still feel a bit sad, im finding my way out of the hole. im climbing out and i will see the sun again soon.

Its All Whatever...

Well, i havent posted in a while so i know theres a lot to catch up on. Well, for starters i finally gave taylor my song book. I love my songs dont get wrong, but im just yah my songs are kinda corny i guess. So i warned him haha. And it was kinda wierd tho lol. Cause as i was talking to him to give it to him i was just thinkin, wow i think this is the first time weve actually talked in person lol. Of course, he was on his way to see fay so i was just oh. nice. He goes to hang with her everyday. But at least i get to talk to him on aim after school. Oh and then last night, my family got in this huge fight and it was so annoying because amber, my sis, didnt even do anything. and my parents are sitting there, epsecially my dad, saying shes worthless and basically calling her a piece of crap. and im just like fuck you, so i defended her the next morning. My dad has no right to sit there and say she doesnt lover her family when hes the one whos cheated on mom, like threatened to kill her, abused her. hes done every fucking thing there is to do and then hes gonna talk to my sister like who's already self concious as it is? i dont think so.But what ever. Ive just been having this HUGE feeling of loneliness lately. I just, i am happy when im with my friends, but the second i get alone i feel so lonely and ugh. i wanna cry all the time. and i just feel so stressed and ugh. I feel like i hate never having anything happy, and then i realize that i never go for anything to make myself happy because my whole life whenever i found something i love its been taken away from me. so why go for it if i know itll be taken away? i just, im so lonely.

Ugh The Stress Is Too Much...

Well, i guess nothing really horrible has happened. just painful realizations. My mom and dad started arguing really bad, and i cant explain it. i just realized how much well never be happy. how many fake smiles everyone makes every day. i feel so trapped. this isnt a family. ive seen so much in my life already, things that no one should ever have to see. and for life to go on with all this pain and heartache and loneliness, what kind of a life is that? its not one. i just, i dont know. i dont know what i want. i dont know where to go. i wish i did but i dont. i just, i want to be loved. i want to know what it feels like to belong. its so aggravating. everything is aggravating. the way i see it is, of course i have this biological family, but my friends are my real family. theyre the ones that are always there. and then, what hurts me the most, is everyday my mom will break down and start crying out of nowhere and all the time she says how no one cares about her and shes all alone and she hates her life. and it just hurts so much because she has no idea how much i love her. i would kill myself if i didnt have her, i honestly would. i love her so much, and for her to say that, its just like saying i mean nothing. of course i know shes under a lot of stress and shes just venting her emotions and is in a lot of pain emotionally, but still. i cant help how i feel either. i just, im sick of it all. my family will never be happy ever. i feel trapped. trapped in this family, in this home, in this life.

Stupid Fighting...

Well, me and amber were fighting again. And of course this time it was at my aunt sharons. Right in front of the birds. ima like scream when they learn all these cuss words cause of me and amber. We fought and in the end, i got punched in the face.so i slammed her into the wall. only fair :/ but like, amber was screaming at me and ive never seen her so angry. i know it was just from the steam of the moment, but she told me she hates me and i ruin her life and.. it got to me. it hurt, a lot. i just dont know. so i just stopped talking and stuff. but, all i know, is im gonna lay low for a while. i mean, im lucky she doesnt have a concussion from me slamming her head in the wall. but yah. well, im at school right now. and today was really nice. it was pv's 40th anniversary. and so we all hung out and stuff. and then, julia and i skipped 3rd period and just me and her talked in the forest. it was really nice. i miss talking to her like we used to. i just love knowing she still likes me to be there for her. (: OH! we played football at lunch. and, i cut my tongue open lol. it stopped bleeding a lil l8r, but it was fun. while we were playing tho, julia started singing this song she wrote called Circle of Roses, and i can honestly say it is one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard. especially the way she plays guitar with it. it was so beautiful. anyways, ive been talking to taylor. its really nice that hes happy. yah he and the girl he likes rnt dating, but he is becoming closer to her, and seeing him happy makes me happy lol.

Im Happy...

Well ive been thinking, and, ive just come to peace with myself. im really happy right now. Like, i feel like even though stuff hurts, and i feel broken because of some of the stuff thats been going on, im happy. It happened for a reason. Like what happened with dallas. not saying that it doesnt hurt, cause of course i feel completely heart broken, but, i feel he did me a favor. i mean, if it never happened, i would have ended up dating a complete dick and would have been miserable. But no, even though it hurt and stuff, it helped me in the long run. and then with taylor. Yah i liked him and stuff, but ive been getting really close with him. he comes to me for advice and i go to him. and, i wouldnt want it any other way. hes there for me when i feel no one else is, i like him as a friend. basically, i cant see it any other way. not only that though, but, if something ever did happen, and we would break up, i wouldnt have him there anymore. i dont want that. so im happy. im completely happy. and omg im FINALLY getting close to julia again (: i feel like it used to when we talk and stuff. its nice, having her there again (:. yet again, im at peace.